Volume 1 Prologue 2: Shirasaki Jun's Monologue
I’m going to
be as honest and candid as I can about my relationship with the twins, which I
believe is quite unique. I met the twin sisters who lived next door to me when
I was in the first grade of elementary school.
I met the
twin sisters who lived next door when I was in the first grade of elementary
school.
My parents
bought a house, so we moved.
Then, by
chance, there were twin sisters living next door, who were the same age as me.
That’s all
there is to it. Even if we bring up things like probability theory or fatalism,
it doesn’t mean much. All that remains is the observed facts.
No matter
how cool I try to sound, I wasn’t happy at the time. I was pretending to be
cool and deceiving myself into thinking it wasn’t so bad.
How lucky is
it to have cute twin sisters living next door to you.
The twins,
Rumi and Naori, were known for being cute in the neighborhood. They were just
adorable when they were young. People around them often said, “Maybe you’ll be
an idol or an actress in the future.”
Those two
girls became attached to me. I had never been so happy. I was even proud.
Being
friendly with girls is okay in the early grades of elementary school, but
gradually you become the target of ridicule. So boys start to feel reluctant to
talk to girls.
Still, the
two of them always talked to me, so I was able to converse naturally.
Nowadays,
Rumi has short hair and is slender, while Naori has her hair in two ponytails
and a feminine figure…well, I won’t go into too much detail, but anyway, the
two of them look clearly different now, but back then they were really like
spitting images.
I think it
was around the upper grades of elementary school that the differences between
the two of them began to become clear.
I remember
being surprised when Rumi suddenly cut her hair short. I was young and thought
irrelevant things like “Did she get her heart broken?” I was young enough to
believe that girls cut their hair because were heartbroken. I don’t remember ever
asking her the deeper reason why she cut her hair.
Because at
that time, my mind was full of thoughts about Naori.
I think I was
in love with Naori from that time on.
Jinguji
Naori was by far the most quick-witted girl I had ever met. I had always loved
books, and I was good at studying too, and I prided myself on knowing a lot of
things.
But Naori
easily surpassed me in all of those areas.
I realized
this sometime after we met.
That day, I
was proudly talking about the knowledge I had gained from books. We were
talking about evolution and things like that.
Naori who
had been saying “You sure know your stuff” with Rumi, whispered in my ear as we
parted—
“The idea
that dinosaurs survived by evolving into birds is a bit off, I think. Among the
creatures we call dinosaurs, there were already types that later became birds.
Those types survived, branched off, and are now what we call birds. It’s a
matter of natural selection. In other words, you could say the dinosaurs went
extinct, while the ones that survived became birds. So, saying they survived
because they evolved into birds feels a bit inaccurate to me. Evolution doesn’t
mean an organism suddenly changes shape one day-it’s the gradual changes in a
population over generations. When an individual’s form changes, that’s called
metamorphosis. Also, about the idea that the Tyrannosaurus had feathers and was
fluffy-I’m not so sure about that either. Large-bodied animals aren’t usually
fluffy, right? Elephants and rhinos aren’t fluffy. When animals are big, it’s
hard to regulate their body temperature. Reptiles can’t sweat, so I think it
would be even harder for them.”
She said all
of this in rapid succession.
What the
hell is with this girl? I was grateful that she didn’t say such things in front
of Rumi, but deep down, I was really annoyed by this cheeky girl.
Naori scored
even higher than me on tests. She never missed a point. She always got perfect
scores.
Book knowledge, trivia, studying, I was
inferior to Naori in everything.
I refused to
lose to Naori, so I read a lot of books. I worked hard at studying too. She
never looked down on me, but I was burning with a sense of rivalry on my own.
Ever since
that dinosaur discussion, Naori had become someone I needed to defeat.
Of course, I
wanted to beat Naori. But more than that, I wanted her to acknowledge me. I
wanted to show her how amazing I was.
I don’t think
Naori cared about that in the slightest. That’s just the kind of person she is.
One day, I
asked Naori what type of person she likes. Well, to be precise, I didn’t ask
her directly, it was just a topic that came up when a group of us were gathered
in the classroom after school.
She said,
“Someone more talented than me.”
Hearing
that, I thought ‘that’s it-I just need to surpass Naori. To make her
frustrated, I just had to keep winning. That way, I could make her acknowledge
my existence.
It wasn’t so
much about becoming her ideal type; for me, it felt more like a form of
harassment.
Back then,
thanks to my studying, I was able to put up a good fight against Naori.
However, she was one step ahead. In that sense, it would be more accurate to
say that I occasionally managed to win.
Getting
Naori to see me as her ideal type would feel incredibly satisfying. But I have
no intention of pursuing that. Could there be anything more exhilarating?
I just need
to completely defeat Naori. That’s what it comes down to. Right, there’s still
a chance
I understand
now. This is my first love.
I wasn’t
mature enough to admit it back then.
It’s not
that I particularly like Naori. I just want to beat her. I just want to make
her feel frustrated.
The more I
put on a brave front, the more I pretended not to care, the more I found myself
thinking about Naori. When passing by her classroom, I would casually glance
inside. During grade meetings, I would unconsciously look for her. And yet, for
some reason, I found it difficult to visit the Jinguji household
One day, a
male friend asked me, “Shirasaki, is there a girl you’re interested in?”
Interested?
What does that mean? If I take ‘interested’ literally, it would be Naori. But
in this case, ‘interested’ implies romantic feelings. So, that’s not it.
To that
question I answered, “no.”
Really? Naori
doesn’t mean that to me…right? Yeah, that’s right.
Hmmm? Then,
in what way am I interested in her?
Could it be
that I’m interested in Naori in that way…?
It happened
during the summer of my sixth grade.
And so, I
finally observed the phenomenon known as first love.
However, the
first love I observed, hindered by my own immaturity that refused to
acknowledge it and Naori’s habit of speaking about things with a detached
attitude, could do nothing but slowly and quietly lose its luster to the point
that I didn’t even notice.
However, the
academic ability I had acquired from my rivalry with Naori proved to be
extremely effective when I took the entrance exam for a well-known private
university-affiliated junior and senior high school. I passed with the highest
score, and have continued to hold the top spot in my grade up until now, as a
first-year high school student.
This was
just stubbornness. A stubborn desire to be better than Naori. I had no way of
confessing my feelings to her, so this was the only way I could make myself
known to her. I feel so pathetic, but thanks to my grades, I was now highly
regarded by everyone in my grade except Naori. I also had more people I could
call friends.
Naori
herself never beat me, and was always hovering around the top five. She never
competed for first place. Her highest ranking was third place. With a brain as
smart as hers, it would probably be possible for her to surpass my grades
(although that would be a problem in itself), so before the final exam of our
second year of middle school, I asked her, “Aren’t you aiming to be number one
in your grade, Naori?”
I think
Naori’s answer to this question sums up her character.
“Well, it’s
not that I don’t aim for it, but I have a rule for myself right now. You see, I
never review my work. It’s been that way since the entrance exams. I want to
put my pen down earlier than anyone else and sleep until the exam is over.
Wouldn’t it be cool if I can get first place that way? And if I can get third
place at best, well, that’s fine. It’s a bit frustrating, though. But, compared
to kids who give up halfway through, I finish way faster. Isn’t that amazing?
If it were a buzzer quiz, I’d be number one.”
She answered
my question nonchalantly. This is my first love, Jinguji Naori.
--Seriously?
I blurted
that out loud without thinking. I had never even thought of such a thing. Only
interested in finishing faster than anyone else? And that’s why you got that
score? That ranking? There’s no way I could pull off something like that.
“If I spent
a little more time… or rather, if I reviewed my answers, I think I could have
gotten first place. I also could have read the questions properly, etc. But, a
competition where you already know the outcome is boring. It’s not like I’m
trying to declare war or anything-oh wait, there’s no public to declare it to,
so declaration isn’t the word—but that’s not what I’m trying to say. What I
mean is, even if you’re the top of the grade, you shouldn’t let your guard
down. Oh, did you think you had beaten me?
……What the
hell was that? Does that mean I’ve been dancing in the palm of her hand this
whole time?
The only one
who could maintain a top-five position in the grade with such a method is
undoubtedly Naori. If she ever stopped her time-attack approach, it’s as clear
as day that she would easily seize the top spot.
“Well, I
guess it means there’s no one in this grade more talented than me. Am I being a
bit too arrogant?”
What I believed
in has crumbled. This is defeat.
To put it
bluntly, that day, I lost my confidence.
I thought I
was better, I thought I had finally gained enough skill to impress Naori, but
she had already started a completely different battle on her own.
What that
means is that I never became ‘someone more talented than me’.
I couldn’t
confess. There was no way I could express my feelings.
Admitting
defeat was the same as losing the right to express my feelings to Naori.
And so, my
first love became nothing more than a tiny spark, smoldering deep within my
heart.
I never see
the flames. I only realize there’s a fire because of the smoke.
Yet, since
this Gold Week, I’ve been dating Naori.
Even though
I was dating Rumi until just a month ago.
Stating this
fact alone would probably make me seem like an incredibly insincere and
untrustworthy guy. And in some ways, that’s true, so I reluctantly have to
admit it. However, I’d at least like to exercise my right to explain how things
ended up this way.
During
spring break before starting my third year of middle school, Rumi asked me,
“Want to try going out?”
That was
shortly after I heard Naori talk about the test. It was around the time I
realized I couldn’t beat her.
It was when
I was experiencing a sense of defeat in my own way, realizing how naïve it was
to think I could ever beat Naori.
In other
words, it was a time when I was trying to look away from my first love without
ever confessing it.
It wasn’t
the first time a girl had confessed to me. I recognized the way she fidgeted
while staring at her hands. So when I saw Rumi sitting silently on the bench in
our usual park, I had a feeling-maybe. But ever since we started middle school,
I had felt some distance between us, so I also thought, now way. I didn’t want
to say something careless and be teased for being conceited, so I waited for
her to speak.
When Rumi
asked me, “Want to try going out with me?” I was caught between the thought of,
‘So it really was that kind of talk’, and the surprise of, ‘Wait, does this
mean Rumi is confessing to me?' It was such a mix of emotions that I couldn’t
immediately process it. So, I decided to first probe her intentions with, “Why
are you bring this up all of a sudden?” If I had answered seriously only for
her to reply, “What? Did you actually take me seriously?” It would’ve been
unbearable. She’d probably tease me about it for a while. Honestly, it didn’t
feel like that kind of joke, but there was always the chance of a
misunderstanding. I couldn’t risk saying something irreversible without
observing the situation first.
And then she
said things like, “How about just trying it out?” or “Jun, I’m a good fit for
you, right?” which made it even harder to tell if her confession was serious.
When I tried
to figure out her true intentions and looked into Rumi’s eyes, they were
incredibly serious. She had the same look she had before a club match. However,
what was slightly different this time was the hint of fear in her gaze.
I finally
understood that Rumi was serious.
“Rumi, do
you really want to go out with me?”
Just to be
sure, I asked for her true intentions. I could sense that Rumi wasn’t joking,
but I wanted a clear answer. Even if I were mocked for being cowardly, I wanted
to make sure of that.
After a
brief pause, Rumi blushed and replied, “Yeah.”
From that
day on, we became lovers.
When I
started dating Rumi, I decided to leave my lingering first love in the past.
That’s what I resolved to do.
My first
love was Naori, the twin sister, but it’s not like I tried to project Naori
onto Rumi. Rumi and I had also grown up together since we were kids, and I
liked her as a person. So, while I felt a bit shy about dating her, I had no
resistance to it. For me, someone who had given up on Naori-knowing I could
never become the kind of man worthy of her-Rumi had indirectly told me she
liked me.
Looking back
now, for someone like me who was tormented by a sense of defeat, it might have
been a form of salvation. It felt like all my efforts up until then had been
rewarded, and somehow, my heart felt lighter.
No matter
what I say, the simple fact that I had a girlfriend made me happy. I was so
overjoyed that I couldn’t contain it-I rolled around on my bed, fighting
against the grin that threatened to spread across my face. I know it sounds
ridiculous but… I was a middle schooler, so I hope you’ll chalk it up to that.
And so, after we started dating, we took full
advantage of the benefits of being at an integrated middle and high school.
Instead of being consumed by studying during the critical period of our third
year of middle school, we spend our time together, just the two of us. We
indulged in modest secrets and trivial adventures, the kind typical of middle
schoolers.
As the
seasons passed, I found myself falling in love with Rumi.
Unlike me,
who tends to overthink everything, Rumi had always been positive and
action-oriented since we were kids. For instance, whenever I sought her advice
- whether it was about a slump in club activities or interpersonal
relationships - she would encourage me by saying things like, “There’s no point
in overthinking it, so just take action first”, or “Don’t sweat the small
stuff”; just do what feels right to you.
I can’t even
count how many times that helped – how many times it saved me.
Rumi was
always cheerful, though she did have a bit of a short temper, but I genuinely
enjoyed being with her. Not just as a childhood friend, but as my girlfriend, I
cherished her deeply.
That’s why,
in my own way, I wanted to do things the way Rumi wanted.
When Rumi
said, “I want to enjoy the gap, so wear contacts normally”, I started wearing
contact lenses when I went out. I also began paying more attention to my
clothing.”
As I
gradually started to change like that, Naori teased me, saying things like, “Is
that your girlfriend’s taste? Or are you just doing whatever she tells you? Is
it easier to let her take the lead?” But given that it was an age when
everyone, including those around us, was starting to explore things like
romance – basically adolescence – no one really pried into it much.
That was
only natural. While I had told close friends about my relationship with Rumi, I
never went out of my way to broadcast it. Since we were in different classes
while we were dating, our relationship never became widely known.
To begin
with, I didn’t even tell my mother, let alone broadcast it to others. Honestly,
I feel like she might have sensed it, but I never said it outright. It was
simply because I was too embarrassed to talk about it.
When I
wondered what Rumi had done and asked her, she said, “I haven’t said anything
either. I mean, there’s no need to, right?”
That said, I
was still a middle schooler. Aside from parents, I did have the desire to brag
about having a girlfriend.
I felt a bit
uneasy about keeping it a secret, so I once suggested that maybe we should be
more open about our relationship at school. However, Rumi replied, “Isn’t it
more fun to keep it hidden and sneaky?” and I responded with something like,
“Yeah, you’re right”, not entirely against the idea. In truth sneaking around
to meet in secret, away from everyone’s eyes, felt like a kind of thrill for
me, someone who enjoyed mystery and spy novels.
Without
thinking, I took those words at face value – I was that swept up in the
excitement.
I came to
understand why Rumi didn’t tell anyone about our relationship during the spring
break before we advanced to high school. It was right around the time we were
about to celebrate one year of dating.
I was
suddenly told by Rumi that she wanted to break up.
Just like
when she confessed to me, I was called out by Rumi on a night during spring
break.
Rumi, her
unusual expression neither crying nor smiling, said, “Let’s end this today.”
Of course,
there was no way I could accept something like that, so I questioned her
repeatedly. I clung to Rumi desperately, almost pathetically. We had fights and
made mistakes. The more I thought back on it, the more possible causes came to
mind. I kept asking Rumi what the reason was.
But Rumi
just quietly shook her head and said, “You must be surprised, hearing this out
of the blue. But for me, it’s not sudden. I had already decided that it was
time to end things. So no matter what you say, it doesn’t matter. But don’t
worry – it’s not because I’ve come to hate you, Jun. If anything, it’s probably
more about me. I’m sorry for being selfish. But I had a lot of fun being with
you. Thank you for everything.” And for the first time, she looked a little
sad.
While
looking at Rumi’s face, I desperately thought about what I should say.
I couldn’t
imagine breaking up. I couldn’t let her go anymore.
Because Rumi
was my first and most precious girlfriend.
Because I
loved Rumi so much, I couldn’t stand it.
The words
Rumi said to me as I stayed silent still bind me to this day.
“I have one
last request. As your girlfriend, this is my final request: please go out with
Naori. Start dating Naori right away. I’m not the one for you, Jun. And it’s
the same for Naori. It has to be Jun…..
And then,
Rumi bowed deeply and, in words uncharacteristic of her, said, “Please.”
Those
weren’t parting words; they were a curse placed upon me.
I’m a
pathetic man who can’t resist that curse.
And so, I’m
now dating the girl from my first love.
Translators Note
Only one more prologue left. The third one is pretty short. After the third one, the chapters will be divided into parts because they are loooong. - Kingant44
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